the school bus, adding another 10 minutes to your commute, and your coffee stop will not
happen. While cursing your alarm clock that so rudely didn’t go off, you discover that it was, in
fact, set for 6 pm, not 6 am. Despite impressively condensing your morning routine into 30
minutes, there is one last snafu; your 5-year-old is taking what feels like infinity to tie their first
pair of lace-up shoes.
At this point, you are kicking yourself for not buying the Velcro sneakers and plotting a
“mysterious” lace-up shoe disappearance. You consider your options, a) Tie the shoes yourself,
beat the school bus, and get coffee, or b) Allow your child the extra few minutes to tie their
shoes, get stuck behind the bus, and skip coffee. The benefits of helping your child out at that
moment seem obvious. After all, what harm could there possibly be in helping your child out?
It can be tempting to jump in to fix, correct, and rescue when our child is struggling with
something, especially when our assistance can expedite a resolution. However, while doing
something for your child can be a time-saving quick fix, it also sends the strong message that
they are incapable and reinforces their dependence on you. Excessive intervention undermines
a child’s confidence and makes them more hesitant to be proactive in other scenarios. When
caregivers and schools partner to build a child’s independence, children become natural
leaders, conscientious citizens, and tenacious individuals. In this scenario, choosing to give the
gift of time shows your child that the process of solving a problem is important, that their
learning is not an inconvenience, and that you believe in them.
How can Montessori help?
Montessori education encourages independence by helping children develop autonomy,
problem-solve, and enjoy roles as mentors and mentees in multi-age classrooms. Students are
allowed to make choices, explore their environment, and learn from trial and error. Montessori
educators respect children as unique individuals, allowing them to be responsible for their
learning and progress. Montessori classrooms are designed to foster independence by
providing each child with an individualized learning plan and allowing them to work at their
own pace. In addition, Montessori teachers guide and support students in learning to walk their
own path of perseverance to achieve mastery.
How can Parents help?
One of the most helpful ways parents can engage in supporting their child’s independence is
taking a moment for self-reflection. How parents respond to their child’s struggles, failures, and
trials makes all the difference. Successful parents identify their feelings and plan preemptively
so that they feel in control of how they choose to respond in challenging situations. After your
child has selected a new challenge to face, identify your own fears and plan for how you will
respond if they actualize. (e.g.: Your child chooses to wear rain boots to school in 80-degree
weather, and you think the teacher will assume you’re a bad parent. Plan: Share with the
teacher that your child has decided to take responsibility for selecting their own clothing and
that you will be working with them daily to assess whether their choices were comfortable and
appropriate for the weather.)
As a Montessori alum myself, I can confidently say that the independent spirit that my parents and teachers nurtured in me is the reason why I have never feared change, said yes to trying hard things, and see the educational value in every experience. I invite you to visit our school to observe this proven method of supporting the next
generation of independent thinkers and doers in action. At Oak Grove, the magic is in the
process of learning.
Additional Suggestions for helping your child build their skills in independence:
- Encourage “Healthy Risks” like climbing and balancing.
- Step out of the way and let them practice.
- Celebrate their successes with them with phrases like. “Wow, it must have felt so good to have done that all by yourself!” and “What was the hardest part of figuring that out?” “You never gave up!” “Thank you for letting me share this moment with you.”
- Be flexible. Sometimes children are enthusiastic helpers, and other times they aren’t. By first or second grade, you can assign regular chores, but until then, take their help when it’s offered and keep offering opportunities to help.
- Cook with your child. Let them help to plan a menu and teach them basic cooking skills.
- Make sure the number of steps for any task is developmentally appropriate.
- Avoid the “yes” or “no” question trap unless you are ok with hearing “no.” Instead, offer 2-3 appropriate choices. (Example: “It’s time for school; do you want to carry your lunchbox or your backpack?” or, “It’s time to get dinner ready, and I need your help. Would you rather set the table or help make a salad?”)
- If the child is intent on mastering a skill, allow them the time to focus on it uninterrupted.
- Wait before helping unless someone might get hurt or something’s about to get broken.
- Let them experience failure and involve them in a plan for course correction to develop resiliency.
- Choose to spend time outdoors over screen time. For example, let your child construct forts with branches and play in leaves, streams, and mud.
- It’s all about the process, not product. Ask your child what they would like to try and then plan how and when and be there without commentary as they try it out.
- Involve your child (as young as 18 months) in household chores like folding laundry, sorting silverware, sweeping, and dusting.
- Share stories about inspiring people who overcame adversity.